My First Date: ($15 in the hole)

If homosexual intercourse could produce viable offspring, the spawn of Rick Moranis and Lee Norris (Stuart from Boy Meets World) would be my date from last night:

PLUS!

Alex seemed like a cool/funny guy from the few chats we had via internet/phone. Sure, he was Jewish (I am Catholic), but it's not like I actually wanted more than a free dinner anyway. We were originally supposed to meet on Sunday (Easter!) which would have been awesomely ironic, but we had to cancel because he haaaaad to go see the new Dragonball-Z movie. Yeah. I know.

We decided to go to Big Bowl. I got there first which was somewhat nerve-wracking. Every time a fat old man walked through the doors I stopped breathing for a few seconds. I was furiously texting Michelle... she had given me some drugs to take before the date but I left them at home!!! I have to go into this sober??! Fuck.

And then I saw him. WOW THAT IS A BIG BUTT. Levi's work jeans MIGHT be sexy if you're a hot construction worker, but if you're a skinny white boy with a jew-fro and Shakira hips- Just. Don't. At least he made up for his fashion faux-pas by wearing a sweater that was the exact same color as his jeans.

This kid didn't look a day over 12. He still had baby teeth for Christ's sake! (I'm not even kidding). I spent a good 7-10 minutes looking at individual facial features hoping I could find maybe just one good thing about him (because as a whole, his face was just.......... I'm going to stop myself there). But no... not a damned thing. He wore a giant jew-pendant on the thickest gold chain I have ever seen.

Now that I've covered all his physical shortcomings, let's move on to his shit personality.

He had a very contrived laundry list of stories to tell me. The first one was this "really crazy story about seizures!!!" According to Alex, using a credit card to swipe the arm-pit can stop a seizure. I also heard 6 stories about his grandma, 3 about how ADD works ("Would you like me to explain the neutrotransmitters to you?"), 1 about a stripper that called him cute ("Please, tell me something I don't hear every day"), plus like 3 dozen others that I blocked out.

About 2 minutes after we sat down he asked me to smile for him. This is what I gave him:

He told me that I had a "perfect C smile." What is a C smile, you ask? Well, there are C smiles and U smiles. C smiles indicate a friendliness, whereas U smiles indicate hostility. Then he spent 5 minutes telling me about his ex GF (currently deflated in the corner of his closet?) who lived by the C/U smile theories. Super. I totally care. Then he told me that when I laugh I wiggle my nose, and it's cute. "Really? I've never gotten that before. Are you just making that up?" His response was nervous laughter, shifty eyes, and "Ehh.. I'm not going to answer that." SERIOUSLY?? If you want to compliment a girl, please come up with something better than "you have a wiggly nose."

He spoke mostly in quotes. And not funny movie quotes from Anchorman or Wedding Crashers... I'm talking William Shakespeare and Ann Frank, shit like that. He asked what my 3 best qualities were, and when I asked him the same he paused then said, "Let me call on Ben Franklin for a moment.... *blahblahblahlbhasodifoaiwsfj*" (some quote about being humble) and then proceeded to list off 6 of his personal favorite qualities. At the top of his list was a strong ("but healthy") ego. BUT WHY??? You have little to nothing going for you!

He insulted me at least 4 separate times. Here are my 2 favs:
#1:
Douche: "So, WHO is this person across the table from me? Tell me about yourself."
Me: "Well, I grew up around Chicago... I have one sister..."
Douche: "Really? That's strange, you seem like an only child."
Me: "Haha, why? Do I seem selfish and spoiled?"
Douche: "No, you just seem like you want all the attention on you."
Me: (jaw drop)
Douche: "It's okay, it's just how you are... you should just accept it."
Me: (jaw still dropped... waiting for him to laugh and say "just kidding," which never happened) "Okay well, umm I went to U of I for undergrad..."
Douche: "Well don't think too hard now. Since you can't come up with anything and I know you're just dying to hear about me, I'll talk about my life now."

And then I sat and listened/stared/blacked out for 30 min while he talked about his fabulous self.

#2:
(At the end of dinner, during our goodbye hand-shake)
Douche: "Well, you're alright... But you're going to have to step it up."
Me: "Are you serious."

Where the hell does a 12 year old with NO redeeming qualities get the idea that it is okay to say something like that?? Again, I was waiting for him to admit that it was just a joke... but apparently he really meant it. I wish nothing more upon this asshole than a long virginous life, which shouldn't be too difficult considering he is ugly, both outside AND inside.

At one point I thought he was trying to be sexy. He held out his hand and asked for mine. He attempted some sort of sensual hand rub and then I realized... wait. He just molded my hand into thumb-war position. AW HELL NO. I ripped my hand out and stuck it under my butt. "No. Nope. Not playing," was all I could say. Thumb-war went out of style in 1997... which, coincidentally, was the same year my hot date was born.

The worst part of this fucking date was......... well, let me quote:
Douche: "So, you're going to cover your half, right?"
Me: (straw in mouth) Huh??
Douche: "Your half of the meal."
Me: "Oh... sure."
Douche: "Okay good. This is only the first date, don't think you're getting a free ride."

I had no motivation to hide the look of sheer disgust on my face. What a bitch!!! Two hours of misery with your fat ass and I don't even get a free meal?? Actually, I ended up paying for some of HIS meal (He insisted we split the bill in half instead of by what we ordered. He also ordered more than me). In the name of all that is holy, this fuckbag better be a virgin.

Before we left he told me about some Cuban place he heard good things about. (He also mentioned its reasonable prices. Thanks! I'll keep that in mind since your frugal Jewness won't buy me a freakin' dinner.) I could not believe he asked me out for a second date. I gave an enthusiastic yes- my last-ditch effort at MAYBE scoring a free meal (the bill hadn't come yet but he had already informed me that I'd be paying for myself).

It would have been so easy to stick him with the bill. I didn't even have a coat, I could have just said I needed to run to the little girl's room and bolted. Looking back, I really wish I had. I'm setting a new rule for myself.......... if the guy is an ass, I refuse to pay. Even if this requires running out the back door and hiding in a dumpster, I will NOT waste 10-20 bucks on a meal I could have done without.

So, morals of the story:
1. Assume the worst when you're about to meet someone from a dating website (And in the off-chance that they are normal, you can be pleasantly surprised).
2. If the guy is an ass, don't feel bad about ditching him when the bill comes. The feeling of regret (which I am STILL experiencing, more than 12 hours later), is far greater than the feeling of guilt that you may experience for like 2 minutes. Or less. Or not at all, depending on your conscience.